A mother talks to her son about his dirty dishes laying in the sink. A dad punishes his daughter for talking back and being disrespectful. A step-mother holds her tongue as her stepdaughter curses at her. A step father tells his wife how she should ground her son for not checking in when he was out past his curfew. Why do these parents, who are trying so hard at blending families, do what they do towards their children and stepchildren? How do people learn how to parent their children, let alone someone else’s children? In every case, behavior is a direct result of a person’s beliefs.

And yet very few adults know where their thoughts about parenting come from. For most adults, the way they parent is a direct result of how they were parented. Most thoughts about parenting are actually formed beginning at infancy and get solidified by early childhood. These thoughts are so ingrained, and so much a part of a person’s make-up, that they are very unconscious and not necessarily easily accessed.

By understanding what your thoughts are about parenting and where those beliefs come from, you get to discover that your thoughts are accurate or not. Kids have a magical way of thinking and often make beliefs about the world that relate to their thinking process, and those thoughts are not necessarily based on true information. Adults find themselves acting badly to parenting problems in ways they never imagined they would, and they are often not aware of what is really running them underneath their reactions.

Talk is Cheap – Take Action

If you’re trying your best at blending families, take action towards pinning down your childhood beliefs about parenting by allotting some unbroken, secluded time together as a couple. Or, if you don’t have a partner or spouse at this time, choose to do this with another single parent to get some support and benefit. Decide who will start sharing and who will ask the questions. Be prepared to switch roles half-way through so that each of you gets the same amount of time to share.

Ask curiousity-based questions about each other’s childhood. Determine who the central parental figures were in each of your lives. Learn about how each of you was parented and what was effective in your life and what you wished had been otherwise. Dig for the potential beliefs you made about parenting as a result of how you were parented. Be engaged and interested in what your partner has to say.

Blending step families can be difficult. This activity can make it less difficult for you to be a success at it.